for those of you who are looking for someone who is consistent in both life and blog posts, look elsewhere.
i am exhausted, probably due to the fact that i am indulging some self-absorbent thinking and behaviors, and the guilt-free pleasure i am gaining is pretty great, if not a little sick. here i am looking my best under my endless summer poster, my laptop nestled on my box spring while i sit cross-legged, typing away. my mattress is on the floor in the family room under the tree. B is snoring away. It's freezing outside and all is as it should be - and i may be losing my mind in the middle of all of it.
let's start with a rant. maybe this session will prove to be useful to me, posterity, or an internet dump site that i'm sure exists for crappy or ranting bloggers:
i hate the disappointment that leaks from people when they find out that we are childless after 6.5 years of marriage. even if you succeed in hiding blunt and inappropriate words, your tone or eyes will give you away and i want to scream because of it.
if i saw a known bully get his skid-marked manties shoved down his own throat, i would walk taller today. graphic, but true.
not all blondes are created equal. and not all blondes are actually blonde- but to you who are so obsessed with your latest selfie and completely unconcerned about the reality of third-world poverty, buy a one-way ticket to Nepal. leave your cell phone.
i am a stereotype by striving so desperately to be independent. i have so many ideas of who i should/want to be or, better yet, who i DON'T want to be that i have really taken no thought to who i actually am. cliché. it sounds like a cheap music lyric, which i also dislike.
i truly like being an optimist and take pride in that ability. i am always afraid of being too happy on one end or too open about my problems on the other. we all know the kind: "oh today is just WONDERFUL" (all day 'er'day) or "you have NO idea what my life is like right now". dislike.
while i'm on the topic of dislike, i hate the way i look in my only glasses that seem to give me relief from my contacts. my brother showed a picture he had with me in these glasses, and an onlooker bluntly stated, "she looks so much prettier not sick". those may not be the exact words, but it stings nonetheless.
friendships are vitally important to me. when someone doesn't give me a chance, i become obsessive over the failure of that perceived relationship. then, because i am sad over the loss, i am therefore weak. twisted thinking thanks to years of being extraordinarily female and caring about what others think.
i can thank heaven for a constant in this world, and that comes in the light of those with disabilities. they are perfect souls sent to bless my life with their presence and are probably the only people i trust and love completely. i hate inconsistency in myself and in others. true friendship seems like a chore that some people would rather not reciprocate. rude.
i feel like i have to follow the norm of finishing off this rant with some sort of completed thought or universal truth. but i am not going to. so there.
