saber: to know

a looooooooong throwback. say, jr. high-high school:

you push through those doors with barely enough effort to open it wide enough. it compensates for you, so your new backpack gets whacked as you barely make it through the opening. you made it. hope your banana didn't squish all over your textbooks.

at this point you're ready to call it a day. no school for me! a few faces you love and recognize approach with arms outstretched. "OK", you say. "I'll stay." so you stay, with little concern for your classwork, but every concern about who is actually at school today. you get right to it.

first, there's that person who is just SO BEAUTIFUL that you hope/dread seeing them all day. doesn't matter if you bump into them perpetually, you will never get your heart rate under control! thankfully, the encounters don't last long thanks to the bell and/or your inability to produce actual words. you've already made yourself into an idiot twelve times today. the damage is done. "this" will never happen. "if only i wasn't so attracted to your attractiveness", you think. "i'm usually an intellectual. witty, even." but then, you wouldn't have something to look forward to/dread every day. pfff. this sucks.

next your pal, your life-long wing man/woman, your BFF waltzes up to you. good, because you desperately needed someone with whom to share your bajillionth failed encounter with what's-their-face. oh yeah, it was beautiful. you both sigh. thank heaven there's a somewhat sane kindred spirit in this school with whom you can share this and everything else. but both your problems and dreams are so very different from said BFF. later you will discover that particular title is shared with too many people who were never really your friend.

in the meantime, you get a text during class. it's "so & so", your recent friend whose parents' divorce is "not the issue", but seems to be the catalyst for their current situation. drugs? sex? depression? eating disorder? doesn't matter. you're there, because if not you, then who? you love them, no question. they're worth loving! sure, the rough edges keep a lot of people at arm's length, but you have something to offer that so few others have: sincere sympathy and love. you know this for a fact because you've spent nearly your whole life trying to help some version of this person.

you sneak a bathroom pass and meet them in the parking lot. they cry, ask, "why me?" and you listen. you always listen. you give them a hug and ask what they need. you know what they want, and you know it won't help them, because if it did they would feel and be better by now. they look you in the eyes and say, "i want to change. i'm sick of my life. why can't i just have a life like yours?" you share every uplifting alternative you know, for the umpteenth time, only to be met with their self-proclaimed bad luck as an excuse. your desire to help isn't fading, but your ability to clearly is. when all of this started, you were a savior, someone that could dry the tears and bring back a smile. and just like all those other times, here you are with someone whose tears you can no longer dry and a smile you just can't bring back.

what's wrong with you? why are you this happy/fortunate/optimistic while so many of your friends are suffering. and why can't this sugary sweet life of yours transfer on to these worthwhile people? maybe if you're there for them even more; up later, around more often, more concerned. that should be enough!

stop the throwback.

i know. with literal tears in my eyes at this moment, i know. this throwback is not a one-time experience. from grade-school til' high school graduation my life was there for anyone to be able to partake. need someone to bully? there was my slightly browned skin and "dirty" hair, as they would call it. don't understand how these people are so confident? i didn't get it either. my confidence came when i shared pieces of myself with anyone who wanted a free meal. it was the most selfless thing i could do, and i was proud. i was a naturally happy, somewhat attractive young girl with a heart big enough to uplift every lost soul i came across. or so i thought.

i learned that my sharing of myself, my time, my emotions all had a cost. that cost just didn't seem to empty my reserves like my peers. i could laugh harder and longer and i could console just as well. naturally, it attracted an overabundance of souls who were worthwhile, of course, but ultimately draining in ways i didn't understand. one day i searched inside myself for strength to help yet another "so & so", and i literally had nothing left to give. this had never happened. eighteen years strong i'd been doing this. how in the world am i out now?

not only did this break my heart, for myself and my "friend", but it started an identity crisis. my happy demeanor and supposed confidence were waning in ways they never had before. i opened that door i never planned to walk through labeled "who am i", and was horrified to learn that this person i was confident in being never really existed. it sounds dramatic, but let me explain;

my confidence was based upon a multiplicity of things that were all external to me. therefore, it was never real confidence. if i didn't spend time with people, no matter who they were, my day sucked. if someone didn't tell me i was beautiful, strong, understanding or loved, then i wasn't any of those things. and if i didn't do at least one of those things for someone else, then i wasn't worth anything. what's worse is that i never realized how strong my attachment to these not-so-obviously superficial things had become. i wasn't obsessed with myself. i cared more about others problems than my own. at least, that's what i thought.

in the grips of this identity crisis, i realized a few things:

i always had a general, but clear idea of the kind of person i wanted to be and what that person would look, feel and act like.

i had always been frustrated at how few, if any, people could understand why i think and feel things so strongly and so often.

mine was a life worth living for myself and others. why couldn't everyone else be so blessed or at least be given the chance for that blessing?

my capacity for faith, love and empathy and my ability to share that capacity was the easiest definition i could give myself. but amidst these realizations, i came to understand that sharing such a gift with too many of the "wrong kinds" of people would only keep me in crisis mode and away from personal growth. i could no longer share this gift with people who weren't able to give at least something back, and i hated that. it seemed selfish. it still does sometimes.

finally, if i was already this person at whatever age, what kinds of responsibilities came with additional growth and how many of these people whom i have grown to love will i have to leave behind, as a result?

now i have hindsight on my side. and it says that every God-given gift is meant to be shared. but before we get carried away, there is a small caviat: it's meant to be shared with the right people at the right time, and immediately is not always right. what's in front of me may be an opportunity, but i had to learn that opportunities weren't always mine to take.

 i began to filter with whom i shared these (unfortunately) rare gifts. no sooner had i done that when God and His universe showed me how disrespectful i had been to those gifts. in what world is it better to share something unfinished, even broken, than to share something that can heal because it is full and complete? the hard bit is how easy it is to jump first, then realize you regret later. i was tired of being an inefficient and convenient help line, but i didn't understand that because i was too busy helping people who literally couldn't help me. i wanted to be sincerely happy without that happiness being dependent on anything external to me and i learned that i could fill my own reserves quicker than anything or anyone else. i could be my own strength. i could become my own friend, one that was capable of drying tears because i was sent to someone who was ready to let me.

it is too normal to think that there is only so much love, money, happiness, in the world. when one person has an abundance, there is less to be enjoyed for the rest. what viscous lies. i sincerely loathe whatever source perpetuated this kind of scarcity. but i do have to call on myself, and anyone else who knows what i'm talking about, to let their light shine in the right places and times. this way, we will create a world that is ready to liberate itself. frustration, jealousy, misunderstandings, and even death will have no hold those who are their own saviors before they reach out to rescue the rest.

that's how i know.