old skool

an old poem


"pain of the moon"


the moon understands my pain.

there is always a faint light in the dark proving the link between lonely companions.

his craving refuses to be satisfied.

though the light becomes brighter with time, there is effort behind the smile.

the silence is beautiful, wise, but slow.

the hurdles of the undefined are relentless.

so, he holds in his pain, for tears leave their mark on the surface.

self preservation continues as he goes through the cycle, stained by the soul that has been claimed.

he is never whole without his true light.

neither am i.

would vs. should

"i want to travel."

"i want to be successful financially."

"i want to have a family."

"i want to be an olympic beach volleyball player."

the last one is mostly me. :) i do, however, hear too often about the top 3 wishes and usually in that order. these are all worthwhile and admirable goals, easy to understand. but the thing that just about slays me is the belief that we can not have them all. 

this concept is one that i have been slamming myself against for some time. i have the bruises to show for it. why can't i have it all, be who i am and want to be? where is it written? prove it! i distinctly remember being around 10 years old and learning that i could either be a cheerleader or a "normal" athlete. i even dragged my basketball-playing self to try out for the sixth grade cheer squad to prove myself as "either". i failed miserably, being one of only two girls that didn't make it. that's when i realized that the definitions of a successful/happy life are very strictly defined by a mostly dysfunctional and unhappy society. 

so i started on a journey to be the ultimate woman. i was going to be fashionable, but not pink-bow girly. i was going to be intelligent while also relate-able. i was going to cook and ride motorcycles and i was going to find a man who could cry appropriately while simultaneously bench pressing me and making me breakfast. it was going to happen! i don't dream only to fail, much. and this dreaming opened up some extraordinary doors to choose from. it still does.

essentially i found balance, a simple and unfortunately foreign fix for getting out of this bogus mindset. the best bit? the definition was completely up to me! everything around me choosing my life's decisions and how i should feel about those decisions still sneaks in on me, though the initial burden is nowhere to be found.