As a new teenager, I became a victim to my own poor decisions. No sooner had I begun to laugh at my decision making paradigm, when one of my closest friend's father committed suicide. Mind you, I had little to no experience with death at this point. Pen immediately hit paper as I sorted through this new territory. Not only was suicide scary, it had overtaken a man I knew to be the embodiment of jolly! He had a red face that would brighten when he smiled. He played the accordion for heaven's sake! What darkness overtook someone whose spirit I had literally felt to be light?
Not long afterward, our neighbor as well as a fellow classmate had taken their lives. I began to feel very dark and focused on writing. I wrote dark things. I focused on the fact that life is short and that love and friendships end, either by choice or death. I became painfully aware of the opposition and started to hate it.
Next came the body drama. Being a girl became a challenge and a crutch, and as a now adult female, I wonder how we survive adolescence in the state of PMS and High School. My already competitive nature started to become exaggerated. If I was hurt, I would press forward until I either hurt myself worse or became crippled. Once I reached that point, I would do some serious milking. I would purposefully fall during drills that I shouldn't be doing due to my body's current state. The sick part is that I remember falling only because I wasn't doing as well as someone else, and that was embarrassing. Naturally, I would blame the fall for my 2nd place. It became a cycle.
In the middle of all of this I literally stumbled upon a Divinely timed saving grace. He is now my husband, though I am unsure as to how since he came in the middle of the sick circus I was constantly entertaining as my life. His natural state was basically conflict-free. I idolized and abhorred that about him. If you can imagine the girl I have described being so care-free and understanding on her own, than you are more optimistic than I. Just his presence required that I be free of worries that were not my own. His direct, but sympathetic, "if you can't control it, don't try" was infuriating and somehow well received. He was truthfully my kryptonite. That overly competitive and seriously conflicted 17-year-old he mesmerized suddenly had reason and a strong hand to lean on. To summarize what I learned from this dude: I do myself a disservice by focusing my God-given energies on things I can't control and entertaining anything self-damaging. He has never said this in words. I never felt attacked during the transition.
it's simple: If it is out of my control, then I simply have no remaining effort to spare on worrying about it. It is a disservice to me and my influence in this life. When in doubt, consult the table below. It's simple and life changing:
table 1.1 ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment