Get off the road!

I'm actually talking to myself. 

'Cause one day, I will not only be an old lady, I'll be an Asian old lady. 

I'll be a menace with my inability to see over the steering wheel and my cautious 10-below-the-speed-limit-max!

I'm already embarrassed to be on the road!

My windshield is cracked, rear boot dented and wheels missing various layers of

 do-it-yourself paint.

I know what you're thinking when you drive behind me: 

"I'll bet that driver's a chick. Look at the state of that dent!"

I know because I would picture some teenage female on her cell-phone driving such a heap.

So I compensate - I drive 10 over the speed limit and I sit tall enough for my Asian bun to peak through my sunroof. 

For now, I promise to remove myself from the road when that bun doesn't reach the top of the driver's seat and I'm too afraid to go anywhere near the speed limit. 

and I apologize in advance...

a world full of disabilities is one worth living in.

imagine the most perfect person you know. they bring light into the darkest of situations and somehow manage to make you smile when you're determined to just hate today! more than likely, you can pick out their distinctive laugh from across the hall/field/street, and you can't help but laugh yourself.

i've had the privilege to be friends with a handful of such perfection. some can't speak without great difficulty, some have down-syndrome, some have been in accidents that impaired their mental and physical abilities, and some simply can't connect with what we've defined as "the normal population". but ALL of these people are one of my largest resources for hope in this life. without them, i would lose all hope in humanity. truthfully.

now, if someone decides that they can't or don't want to find comfort around people who are so "different", i have a few words to say:

stop "trying" to get more comfortable with that person. do it. "trying" gives you a way out of your own discomfort. more than likely, their world will never know such a luxury.

look into their eyes, for longer than 2 seconds. let what you see inside fill your soul. you should feel a cocktail of love and gratitude and your heart will be so full it might explode. Don't worry, it's a good kind of painful.

take some time. just because you can't seem to understand their speech or body language, doesn't meant that you sign out then and there. patience is the greatest expression of love. don't believe me? ask your mother.

if you so much as think about turning your nose up at one of these unbelievable souls, i will personally give you a proper fonging. fair warning. :)

so, to my perfect friends: thank you for being. i can't possibly imagine what pains you face each day, nor can i comprehend your ability to perpetually shine your light on all of us ingrates in the midst of that pain. thank you for teaching me how to live with patience and love without boundaries. without you, my life would not know such inexplicable peace in a world that is constantly at war. you are the true heroes of the land, the celebrities i want to have sign my tee-shirt. you are earth's perfection. it is a privilege to be sharing in this life with you.

what i'm feeling

overwhelmed?

hungry?

pensive?

heartbroken?

nostalgic?

i'm pretty sure modern science could study my emotions like a white blood cell count and diagnose me as terminally ill or clinically insane; functioning, but only just.

funny thing is i feel wonderful! today's favorite song is on repeat and the stench of wet dog is overpowering my room. that jerk decided to roll around in some sort of corrosive diarrhea/vomit mixture on our walk. life is good.

i'm an optimist. this means that i proudly wear a big, fat smile in the face of disgusting pets, an endless line-up of funerals and the inevitability of deep crow's feet around my eyes as a result. it also means i'm feeling anything and everything a person is capable of feeling, all at once, and that few people would ever guess at that fact. my poker face is that good. more than that, my resolve to enjoy every second of these cluttered, super-sonic days we're given is a life line. when, in a world like this, do i have the extra hours to waste away on shopping for things i will NEVER need and emptying my emotional reserves to feel sorry for myself?

my life overflows in abundance. i'm enjoying breath effortlessly. my toes are warm and my stomach full. i know without reservation that someone in this world loves and cares for me. my life barely has room to welcome more happiness with just these essentials! and still more happiness comes. in a world of opposition and pain there must be a resolute hope. i understand that both are necessary, give way for the other, aren't easy, etc. etc. blah, blah. but by understanding my role as someone who lives in a glass half full, i can bear whatever cocktail of life's experiences come my way.

to be honest, i never truly know what i'm feeling. savvy?

unrealistic, much?

a beautiful comparison by marleen williams, phD at brigham young university.

perfectionism vs. wholeness

1) unreasonable goals 

2) self-worth based on achievements

3) can't feel satisfied

4) based on comparisons w/others

5) feels unloved and invalidated unless performing well, 

cannot share mistakes without excessive shame

6) excessive fear of failure

7) external standards for success

8) goals exceed present performance by a huge degree

9) cannot find pleasure in progress toward a goal; 

focus is only on the outcome

10) emphasis on keeping life under control

____________________________________

1) obtainable, realistic goals

 2) self-worth inherent from [God]

 3) can self-reward

4) recognizes individual uniqueness

5) accepts self as valuable while acknowledging

 human weakness

6) can accept failure as part of the learning process; 

able to keep trying

7) goals derived from inner awareness

8) goals reflect growth to the next stage of progressive 

development

9) enjoys the 'journey'

10) emphasis is on keeping life in balance

saber: to know

a looooooooong throwback. say, jr. high-high school:

you push through those doors with barely enough effort to open it wide enough. it compensates for you, so your new backpack gets whacked as you barely make it through the opening. you made it. hope your banana didn't squish all over your textbooks.

at this point you're ready to call it a day. no school for me! a few faces you love and recognize approach with arms outstretched. "OK", you say. "I'll stay." so you stay, with little concern for your classwork, but every concern about who is actually at school today. you get right to it.

first, there's that person who is just SO BEAUTIFUL that you hope/dread seeing them all day. doesn't matter if you bump into them perpetually, you will never get your heart rate under control! thankfully, the encounters don't last long thanks to the bell and/or your inability to produce actual words. you've already made yourself into an idiot twelve times today. the damage is done. "this" will never happen. "if only i wasn't so attracted to your attractiveness", you think. "i'm usually an intellectual. witty, even." but then, you wouldn't have something to look forward to/dread every day. pfff. this sucks.

next your pal, your life-long wing man/woman, your BFF waltzes up to you. good, because you desperately needed someone with whom to share your bajillionth failed encounter with what's-their-face. oh yeah, it was beautiful. you both sigh. thank heaven there's a somewhat sane kindred spirit in this school with whom you can share this and everything else. but both your problems and dreams are so very different from said BFF. later you will discover that particular title is shared with too many people who were never really your friend.

in the meantime, you get a text during class. it's "so & so", your recent friend whose parents' divorce is "not the issue", but seems to be the catalyst for their current situation. drugs? sex? depression? eating disorder? doesn't matter. you're there, because if not you, then who? you love them, no question. they're worth loving! sure, the rough edges keep a lot of people at arm's length, but you have something to offer that so few others have: sincere sympathy and love. you know this for a fact because you've spent nearly your whole life trying to help some version of this person.

you sneak a bathroom pass and meet them in the parking lot. they cry, ask, "why me?" and you listen. you always listen. you give them a hug and ask what they need. you know what they want, and you know it won't help them, because if it did they would feel and be better by now. they look you in the eyes and say, "i want to change. i'm sick of my life. why can't i just have a life like yours?" you share every uplifting alternative you know, for the umpteenth time, only to be met with their self-proclaimed bad luck as an excuse. your desire to help isn't fading, but your ability to clearly is. when all of this started, you were a savior, someone that could dry the tears and bring back a smile. and just like all those other times, here you are with someone whose tears you can no longer dry and a smile you just can't bring back.

what's wrong with you? why are you this happy/fortunate/optimistic while so many of your friends are suffering. and why can't this sugary sweet life of yours transfer on to these worthwhile people? maybe if you're there for them even more; up later, around more often, more concerned. that should be enough!

stop the throwback.

i know. with literal tears in my eyes at this moment, i know. this throwback is not a one-time experience. from grade-school til' high school graduation my life was there for anyone to be able to partake. need someone to bully? there was my slightly browned skin and "dirty" hair, as they would call it. don't understand how these people are so confident? i didn't get it either. my confidence came when i shared pieces of myself with anyone who wanted a free meal. it was the most selfless thing i could do, and i was proud. i was a naturally happy, somewhat attractive young girl with a heart big enough to uplift every lost soul i came across. or so i thought.

i learned that my sharing of myself, my time, my emotions all had a cost. that cost just didn't seem to empty my reserves like my peers. i could laugh harder and longer and i could console just as well. naturally, it attracted an overabundance of souls who were worthwhile, of course, but ultimately draining in ways i didn't understand. one day i searched inside myself for strength to help yet another "so & so", and i literally had nothing left to give. this had never happened. eighteen years strong i'd been doing this. how in the world am i out now?

not only did this break my heart, for myself and my "friend", but it started an identity crisis. my happy demeanor and supposed confidence were waning in ways they never had before. i opened that door i never planned to walk through labeled "who am i", and was horrified to learn that this person i was confident in being never really existed. it sounds dramatic, but let me explain;

my confidence was based upon a multiplicity of things that were all external to me. therefore, it was never real confidence. if i didn't spend time with people, no matter who they were, my day sucked. if someone didn't tell me i was beautiful, strong, understanding or loved, then i wasn't any of those things. and if i didn't do at least one of those things for someone else, then i wasn't worth anything. what's worse is that i never realized how strong my attachment to these not-so-obviously superficial things had become. i wasn't obsessed with myself. i cared more about others problems than my own. at least, that's what i thought.

in the grips of this identity crisis, i realized a few things:

i always had a general, but clear idea of the kind of person i wanted to be and what that person would look, feel and act like.

i had always been frustrated at how few, if any, people could understand why i think and feel things so strongly and so often.

mine was a life worth living for myself and others. why couldn't everyone else be so blessed or at least be given the chance for that blessing?

my capacity for faith, love and empathy and my ability to share that capacity was the easiest definition i could give myself. but amidst these realizations, i came to understand that sharing such a gift with too many of the "wrong kinds" of people would only keep me in crisis mode and away from personal growth. i could no longer share this gift with people who weren't able to give at least something back, and i hated that. it seemed selfish. it still does sometimes.

finally, if i was already this person at whatever age, what kinds of responsibilities came with additional growth and how many of these people whom i have grown to love will i have to leave behind, as a result?

now i have hindsight on my side. and it says that every God-given gift is meant to be shared. but before we get carried away, there is a small caviat: it's meant to be shared with the right people at the right time, and immediately is not always right. what's in front of me may be an opportunity, but i had to learn that opportunities weren't always mine to take.

 i began to filter with whom i shared these (unfortunately) rare gifts. no sooner had i done that when God and His universe showed me how disrespectful i had been to those gifts. in what world is it better to share something unfinished, even broken, than to share something that can heal because it is full and complete? the hard bit is how easy it is to jump first, then realize you regret later. i was tired of being an inefficient and convenient help line, but i didn't understand that because i was too busy helping people who literally couldn't help me. i wanted to be sincerely happy without that happiness being dependent on anything external to me and i learned that i could fill my own reserves quicker than anything or anyone else. i could be my own strength. i could become my own friend, one that was capable of drying tears because i was sent to someone who was ready to let me.

it is too normal to think that there is only so much love, money, happiness, in the world. when one person has an abundance, there is less to be enjoyed for the rest. what viscous lies. i sincerely loathe whatever source perpetuated this kind of scarcity. but i do have to call on myself, and anyone else who knows what i'm talking about, to let their light shine in the right places and times. this way, we will create a world that is ready to liberate itself. frustration, jealousy, misunderstandings, and even death will have no hold those who are their own saviors before they reach out to rescue the rest.

that's how i know.

for my ladies

I’ll get right to it. We know how messed up this world is now a days. We’ve been told it would only get worse, and in the midst of it, I think we can be under and overwhelmed at the task of living in it. Here’s a small “How-To” on being a strong, fun, righteous woman in a pretty messed up world.

“Please secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others”

The only way you can ensure your ability to help and lift others up (or make sure they stay breathing) is to make sure you are already taken care of. At this stage of life, you have friends who are struggling, maybe even drowning in sin or tragedy or depression. Nothing is more heartbreaking than watching someone you love suffer and feeling helpless to their needs.

Before jumping in to help anyone, you have to ensure your spiritual, physical, mental and emotional reserves are adequately full for the task. Seriously, can you imagine playing in a tournament without having eaten, hydrated and slept? It’s the exact same concept! Too many well-intended women, young and old, have an inherent guilt that accompanies taking care of our own selves. True, service and love are some of the easiest ways a woman can feel worthwhile. But I would say that we are worth much less if our efforts are spent lifting others up when we ourselves feel nothing but down. Every compliment, every kind act would then transfer our burdens onto the very people we are trying to help!

The solution? Take time for yourself. Make sure you are fed, literally! Take time to feel complete on your own. Don’t make anyone or anything outside of yourself responsible for your own well-being and happiness. If you find yourself in need, seek for and accept the help. Charity starts with giving and ends in receiving. If you can’t learn to do both, then you won’t find the true happiness that comes with “mourning with those that mourn and comforting those that stand in need of comfort”.

Make sure you are your best self for your own reasons. We can only be adequate friends, sisters, teachers, mothers and wives if we can confidently say that those roles are not our only definitions. Be both who you are and who you want to be. You can have both! Just be sure you are more than OK before you try to help others. It’s not as hard or unattainable as it looks, but It is more important than it seems.

 I plead with you to learn from other’s mistakes as often as you can! Truly, they are gift, because what is more generous than for us to see and learn from an experience we didn’t have to have ourselves? If you can’t appreciate the blessing of identifying and learning from other’s mistakes then you will more certainly make your own over and over again. Keep an eye out. You will learn.

Please don’t’s

PLEASE don’t:

Change yourself for anyone, especially for a guy. It will only come back to bite you.

Try to change others

Spend too much time in front of the mirror. Present yourself well, yes. But if it takes 2 hours in the morning and a stop in every mirror you encounter throughout the day, then it’s too much.

Worry too much. Cry a little if you must, but don’t let worry consume you. It’s unbecoming.

Obsess over anything.

Under-Eat

Overeat.

Sacrifice bits of yourself for people that are just going to take it and run. You will start to disintegrate this way.

Make friends with bad people.

Be a bad friend.

Forget to appreciate your family for all they are and teach to you, both good and bad.

Judge. God’s got that covered, no need to spend bits of your soul on

“God has yo' back”

Having a best friend can be the greatest source of strength in this life. I can tell you from experience that the best one to have is your own Father in Heaven. He is so intimately aware of everything you need, want, hope for, dread. What better person to confide in? What stronger shoulder could you have to take hard things from you and still leave you feeling stronger? If you don’t know Him, take the time. I can guarantee when you find Him in your life, you will find yourself. He is in charge. Period. Take comfort in the fact that your responsibilities and burdens are His. He will cry with you. He will laugh with you. He will hold you all day every day if you just make sure you are always within reach. 

old skool

an old poem


"pain of the moon"


the moon understands my pain.

there is always a faint light in the dark proving the link between lonely companions.

his craving refuses to be satisfied.

though the light becomes brighter with time, there is effort behind the smile.

the silence is beautiful, wise, but slow.

the hurdles of the undefined are relentless.

so, he holds in his pain, for tears leave their mark on the surface.

self preservation continues as he goes through the cycle, stained by the soul that has been claimed.

he is never whole without his true light.

neither am i.

would vs. should

"i want to travel."

"i want to be successful financially."

"i want to have a family."

"i want to be an olympic beach volleyball player."

the last one is mostly me. :) i do, however, hear too often about the top 3 wishes and usually in that order. these are all worthwhile and admirable goals, easy to understand. but the thing that just about slays me is the belief that we can not have them all. 

this concept is one that i have been slamming myself against for some time. i have the bruises to show for it. why can't i have it all, be who i am and want to be? where is it written? prove it! i distinctly remember being around 10 years old and learning that i could either be a cheerleader or a "normal" athlete. i even dragged my basketball-playing self to try out for the sixth grade cheer squad to prove myself as "either". i failed miserably, being one of only two girls that didn't make it. that's when i realized that the definitions of a successful/happy life are very strictly defined by a mostly dysfunctional and unhappy society. 

so i started on a journey to be the ultimate woman. i was going to be fashionable, but not pink-bow girly. i was going to be intelligent while also relate-able. i was going to cook and ride motorcycles and i was going to find a man who could cry appropriately while simultaneously bench pressing me and making me breakfast. it was going to happen! i don't dream only to fail, much. and this dreaming opened up some extraordinary doors to choose from. it still does.

essentially i found balance, a simple and unfortunately foreign fix for getting out of this bogus mindset. the best bit? the definition was completely up to me! everything around me choosing my life's decisions and how i should feel about those decisions still sneaks in on me, though the initial burden is nowhere to be found.

a bit serious: i went to a funeral today

"If only we could live in such a way that we wouldn't need a heaven." - Daniel Taylor

Have you ever taken time to watch how the sky changes the closer it is to the sun? It's one of my favorite things and probably the reason my eyesight is so poor at my age: sun damage. It's like an explosion. Every time someone takes a moment to say "hey" to that blazing ball in the sky, it responds with a combination of warmth and overwhelming emotion. I want to cry at it's beauty, scream at the world's tedium, jump for joy over love and life, all at once. I'm tellin' ya, it's painful and wonderful.

Words have always been an outlet for me, but there are more times than not that they feel insufficient, like this time. So I will say this:

I absolutely love breathing. It's wonderful, 'aint it?

Death sucks. But without it, I wouldn't be complete.

People are most often the answers to our prayers.

If I could do anything over, I probably wouldn't. That's as long as I don't think about that option for too long. ;)

I'm convinced we know how much we are loved after we are gone. It's never too late. Thank the Lord.

There is always work to do - today, tomorrow, and even after we are gone. If ever I am feeling unproductive or useless in ways that matter, I just need to get back to work. I'd better make it fun.